Category Archives: Me

The New Toaster

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Many years ago, I bought a new toaster. It looked really cool in the store. It was round. You put the bread in diagonally. The bread was “caught” by an internal mechanism in the toaster and glided gracefully into the warming position without the need for unsightly levers. When I got in home, despite a good deal experimentation and my high hopes, I had to come to a conclusion:

My new toaster made crappy toast. It was always burned in one corner and not toasted at all on the opposite corner. Eventually, we threw it away.

The toaster we have now looks pretty much like the one I grew up with, only slightly larger to accomodate bagel halves. The controls are exactly the same, with the exception of a “bagel” button. Maybe toasters just don’t need that much improvement.

This is why I was intrigued by Apple’s decision to call its new iPad “The New iPad.” I feel like they’re admitting, given what people use tablets for right now, The New iPad won’t need much improvement. This kind of makes sense to me, as tablets are hermaphrodites–they aren’t phones, and they’re not laptops. They’re great for web-surfing and playing games, but I don’t see them moving out of that niche. Sure, new models will have a faster CPU or more storage, but there’s only so much you want to do with a 10″ tablet.

I believe we are seeing the same trend in laptop screens. For a while it seemed like 17″ or even 19″ would be typical sizes, but as the rest of laptop hardware is getting smaller and lighter, screens seem to be settling in at around 11″ to 15″. Sure, there are some outliers, like the HP HDx 20, with its 20″ display, and hardcore gamers want bigger screens, but it seems most consumers are looking for sleeker models.

My current laptop is solid state, except for two cooling fans and has pixels smaller than I can see. Writing this article takes 4% of the CPU and even though I’m lazy about closing windows, I am only using 1/2 of the RAM. Sure, a few terabytes of storage might be nice, but until we move beyond the paradigm of a windowing operating system, I don’t think I’ll really need more. Oh, and I wouldn’t mind a week or two of battery life and batteries which would last a decade.

I really hope that someday soon, the computer fulfills its destiny and joins the ranks of the toaster–an appliance you buy once, does everything you need, and it pretty much just works.

I am alive, and so is my book.

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Hi everybody.

I’ve meant to write something her for almost a week now. Whenever I try, I get sidetracked. I took a couple weeks off at the end of Camp Nanowrimo, and after my staycation, I’ve returned to work and discovered just how stressful my job can be.

The new novel, FANGS FOR NOTHING, is all ready to go. Things have been hung up at the cover design stage. It has an ISBN, and you can even order it on Barnes and Noble. Hopefully, I’ll see something soon.

On a personal note, I’m taking a brief break from writing. I’ve been working my tail off for years now, and using my vacation time to get more writing in. Don’t worry, I will be coming back with a vengeance, or with aplomb if you prefer. I’m just charging up my batteries.

Space and Death

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Today, a man died. He was a war veteran and a test pilot who through skill, bravery, intelligence,  hard work, and probably a little luck became the first human to set foot on a heavenly body. This made him a symbol of what man can achieve.

On the other side of that, some of the the reasons used to sell a mission to the moon were framed in more earthly terms. We had to get to the moon first and beat the Russians. So much for the family of man.

Only this morning, before I heard the news, I was walking around my neighborhood and looking at all the flags and monuments my neighbors had put up to their sports teams, mostly Iowa Hawkeyes and Green Bay Packers, because Iowa doesn’t have it’s own sports team and everybody loves the underdog. Later this morning, I saw my new nephew, and my sister-in-law had dressed him in an Iowa Hawkeye onesie.

Am I alone in finding it odd that we don’t have monuments to NASA on our lawn, or we don’t go around wearing shirts with ARMSTRONG written across the back?

Okay, I know people like their sports teams, but if we put what we spend on sport merchandising into space flight, I’d be writing this from a martian cafe with Arnold Swarchenegger in a dress. I’m not sure who would wear the dress, me or Arnold, but there would be a dress for some reason–that’s a Total Recall reference by the way, since it’s a little out of date.

I’m a firm believer that staying on this planet, not spreading out into the solar system, the galaxy, the Universe, is a death sentence for the whole race. Eventually, the shoe will drop, along with a huge asteroid. Or maybe something will get screwed up, and we’ll turn into morlocks or something. This planet can take a lot of damage, our currently hospitable environment cannot.

On the other hand, should we be spreading ourselves into the universe? We have an awful lot of stuff down here that needs fixing, places like Haiti and Florida. Maybe everything has its time, and when ours is up, we should fade away gracefully. One thing seems quite clear to me though. If we do make it beyond this little ball of mud, it will be because we stopped worrying about our team winning and started realizing we’re all on the same team.

Never use was never ever ever

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A Was-P

One of the pieces of advice I always see is “Don’t use the be verb.” This is good advice, but not an absolute truth.

There are many reasons this advice is given. Often using a be verb means that something has been shown instead of told.

Tell: A car was on the road, oblivious to their hiding place

Show: A car drove by, oblivious to their hiding place.

Just changing the verb not only makes the sentence stronger, but it gives us more information. Instead of a car merely existing, a car is now moving. This satisfies another criteria for good writing: Always use the strongest verb possible.

However, can the strongest verb possible be the be verb? Can telling be better than showing? As with everything with writing, the answer is: once in a while.

Everyone in our little village had a religion, and Bob’s faith was the most unshakable. Bob was a pessimist.

And being that this treatise is running a bit short, let me add what I think is some of the best be-verb writing ever done. The opening lyrics to Jesus Built My Hotrod by Ministry.

Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true
Jerry Lee Lewis was the Devil
Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet
All of a sudden,I found myself in love with the world
So there was only one thing that I could do
Was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long

A Letter Home from Camp Nanowrimo – Week 1

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After my first week of Camp Nanowrimo, Things are going much better than expected.

So many times when I sit down to write, I feel the demon of personal expectations poking me in the kidney with his little fork. This is why I sat down this time with the expectation of nothing at all.

‘ve had Nanowrimo projects that have come together and those that have not worked out so well. After getting to the 9,000 word mark, I think I may be on to something this time around. I’ve built up a nice cast of characters. I’ve put in some nice little twists, and most importantly, I’ve regained some of the excitement I feel when I’m writing for me.

My goal for today is to get to 11,000 words. Wish me luck.

I shall play you the song of my people

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Yesterday, someone I respect and trust told me “Indy” publishing is no different than vanity press, and I am ruining my future hopes of a career by publishing before I am good enough for the big houses.

Because I trust her opinion and consider her both a close friend and a sage voice of reason, I’ve agonized over her words for the last day, and I have to say that, despite all the ways I have turned the problem around, there is still only one answer that comes to me.

On this point, sweet lady, I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset. I don’t see her suggestions as an attack. She said these things to me because she believes in me, because she thinks I can go further, because I can grab the brass ring of an agent and a book deal with a big company.

However, in turning this problem over and over in my head, I realized maybe her brass ring and my brass ring are completely different rings.

Maybe this means I am only a hobbyist (I hate that word.) Maybe I am selling myself short by not playing by the rules. But here’s the deal:

I hate following rules.

 If I’m going to make it, I’ll make it on my own terms, doing what I want to do the way I want to do it. And if I can’t find a publisher who will put up with me, I’ll self-publish. I’ll give away ebooks for free. I’ll travel the world, leaving flash-drives in men’s rooms… Okay, maybe not that last part.

Is that setting myself up to fail? Does the wise money say that I’m stupid? Well, okay, I’ll give you that, but to quote Slartibartfast, “I’d rather be happy than right any day.”

If you don’t know how that quote ends, go ahead and look it up. I’ll wait…

Fangs Just Got One Step Closer

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My next novel, Fangs for Nothing, has been sent for typesetting. At this point, it is out of my hands, which makes me more than a little anxious.

The back cover art for Fangs. My artist rocks.

I know that, hidden in the 65,000 words, there are probably a dozen or more errors, that will be set in ink with my name on them. I will just have to let them go.

Also, part of me is worried that people who loved Minion won’t like Fangs. I have few enough fans as it is.

I guess I could have titled this post Second Book Jitters.

I know you’re not supposed to get too attached to your books. I know you’re supposed to let them go and start writing the next one, but Fangs is my baby.

I originally wrote Fangs as a Nanowrimo book. The title was This Sucks. It weighed in at a meager 52,500 words, but I finished Nanowrimo and realized that writing books was my calling. Since then, it has been re-written around 5 times (some parts more like 20) as I have been learning the craft as well as I can so that I might do it justice.

Fangs is rude. Fangs is crass. Fangs contains scenes which are just plain wrong. It has nasty gore, inappropriate sexual situations, and bad puns. It makes Benny Hill look politically correct and Seinfeld seem plot-driven.

It is, quite simply, my finest work.

Do it for the fun

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After being on several writing panels at Convergence, reading books on writing, and perusing many writers’ blogs over the years, I have noticed a disturbing trend. Everyone wants to be a big name, but once you “go big” it isn’t nearly as much fun anymore. You have to worry about sales and deadlines and contracts and all kinds of nasty things.

Currently, I don’t have deadlines other than those I set for myself. I can spend time just writing for fun. And one of my favorite ways to write for fun is Nanawrimo, National Novel Writing Month.

Nanowrimo is a challenge held every Novmeber, which dares you to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I have participated in it several times, and while I haven’t always produced salable material, I’ve always had fun doing it.

I think Nanowrimo gives authors two great opportunities. First, if you haven’t ever written a book, you can spend a month of your life and find out if you really have the knack. Secondly, it gives us all permission to suck.

This really sucks

I believe writers tend to take themselves too seriously, and when this happens, their ability to be creative disappears. You have to write with your heart on your sleeve, letting clichès and mixed metaphors fly like moths to a flame.

This year, Nanowrimo is expanding and offering Camp Nanowrimo in June and August for people who don’t want to do Nanowrimo in November. So, I’ve decided to go for it.

I’m not so secure in my suckuality that I’ll be posting my addled scribbling on a blog anywhere though.

I don’t have a plot for my Nano piece, but I do have a concept and a title. The book will be called High Moon, and feature stoner werewolves.